Why Traditional Dating Advice Doesn't Work for Autistic and ADHD Women

If you've ever felt like dating advice was written in a foreign language, you're not alone.

"Just be confident." "Don't text first." "Make him chase you." "Play hard to get."

For autistic and ADHD women, this advice doesn't just feel uncomfortable—it feels impossible. And when you try to follow it anyway, it often backfires spectacularly.

Before I understood I was AuDHD (diagnosed with ADHD in 2011 and autism in 2020), I thought something was fundamentally wrong with me. I wasn't submissive enough, sweet enough, or dependent enough to be "wife material." I couldn't figure out why dating felt like a game I didn't know the rules to.

Turns out, the rules themselves were the problem.

The Rules That Don't Work for Autistic and ADHD Brains

"Wait 3 Days to Text Back"

This might be the most harmful piece of dating advice for ADHD brains prone to rejection sensitivity and autistic brains that crave clear communication.

When I forced myself to wait, I didn't come across as mysterious or desired—I just spent three days spiraling with anxiety, creating elaborate stories about why this person would never text back, convinced I'd already been ghosted.

And you know what happened when I did text first or respond right away?

I got faster responses. Less guessing. Actual connection.

The "waiting game" assumes both people are playing it. But if you're neurodivergent and take things literally, you might interpret someone's three-day silence as disinterest and move on—while they're sitting there thinking they're following "the rules."

"Play Hard to Get"

I tried this. I really did.

Taking hours to respond just to seem busier. Posting something on Instagram to make someone think I was out with someone else. Pretending I wasn't interested when I absolutely was.

It was exhausting. It was masking. And it attracted exactly the wrong kind of person.

Playing hard to get works on people who like the chase more than the catch—which is exactly the emotionally unavailable pattern so many AuDHD women find themselves stuck in.

"Just Be Confident" / "Fake It Till You Make It"

Translation: Mask harder.

For those of us who already spend enormous energy masking our autistic and ADHD traits just to move through the world, being told to add another layer of performance in dating is a recipe for burnout.

"Just be confident" doesn't account for:

• Rejection sensitive dysphoria that makes every interaction feel high-stakes

• Social anxiety that comes from years of getting social cues "wrong"

• Executive dysfunction that makes "putting yourself out there" feel like scaling Everest

• Sensory overload that happens in typical dating environments (loud bars, crowded restaurants)

You can't fake your way into feeling safe. And you shouldn't have to.

"Don't Overthink It"

Have you met an ADHD brain? Or an autistic brain that analyzes every social interaction to understand the unspoken rules?

"Don't overthink it" is like telling someone to "just don't have ADHD for a minute." Our brains don't work that way.

The over-analysis isn't the problem—it's that we're trying to decode neurotypical games instead of finding people who communicate directly.

What I Thought Was Wrong With Me

Before my diagnoses, I internalized all of this as personal failure.

I thought I just wasn't wife material. Maybe I wasn't sweet enough, submissive enough, dependent enough—just not enough.

I noticed that every man seemed to want a sweet woman, but the emotionally unavailable ones especially wanted submission and a certain level of dependence. And when I tried to be those things? I lost myself completely. I masked so hard I didn't even recognize my own preferences anymore.

I thought I was "too picky" when really I was just sensory overloaded by certain people or environments.

I thought I was "too intense" when really I just couldn't do the casual, surface-level dating that neurotypical advice promotes.

I thought something was broken in me because I either felt nothing for someone or felt everything—there was no in-between.

Turns out, none of that was a flaw. It was my nervous system trying to tell me something.

The Real Problem: Neurotypical Advice Is About Games, Not Connection

Here's the biggest difference between traditional dating advice and what actually works for AuDHD nervous systems:

Neurotypical advice is about "getting" someone—even if it clearly wouldn't work long-term.

It's about:

• Creating mystery instead of clarity

• Managing perception instead of being authentic

• Playing games instead of building trust

• Generating "spark" through unpredictability instead of finding genuine compatibility

AuDHD-friendly dating is about:

• Direct communication instead of hints and tests

• Clear expectations instead of mind-reading

• Finding someone who feels regulating to your nervous system, not triggering

• Building safety so you can unmask gradually

• Compatibility with your actual sensory, emotional, and communication needs

We don't need "spark" created through artificial scarcity. We need safety and authenticity.

How Literal Thinking Makes "The Rules" Dangerous

Let's talk about "he has to chase you."

Yes, to a certain extent, a man should show interest and put in effort. That's healthy pursuit.

But when you take this literally (as autistic brains often do), it can mean:

• Never initiating anything, waiting passively

• Interpreting any pause in his pursuit as complete disinterest

• Missing signs of genuine interest because they don't match the "chase" script

• Attracting men who like the chase more than the relationship

Healthy pursuit looks like this:

• He asks questions and genuinely wants to know about you—over time, not by forcing fake intimacy right away

• He makes plans and follows through

• He's consistent and doesn't disappear for days without explanation

• His interest is steady, not a rollercoaster

Fake intimacy (a red flag) looks like this:

• Spending 6 hours on a first date

• Adding you on all social media immediately

• Asking to see you again in 2 days

• Getting intensely deep before you've built actual trust

• Love-bombing that feels overwhelming, not exciting

And here's the key: You can show interest too. You can respond to his texts. You can call sometimes. You can enthusiastically say yes to dates.

Healthy interest is mutual. Games are exhausting.

What Actually Works for AuDHD Women in Dating

After dating across four countries and finally meeting my husband, here's what I learned:

Direct communication is not "too much"—it's efficient. Say what you mean. Ask for what you need. The right person will appreciate the clarity.

Your nervous system knows. If someone feels regulating and safe, that matters more than "chemistry" or "spark."

Masking to get someone is a trap. You'll either have to keep masking forever (burnout), or eventually unmask and risk them leaving because they "didn't sign up for this."

You don't need to be submissive or dependent to be loved. You need to find someone who values your autonomy, intelligence, and authentic self.

Boundaries aren't negotiable. Traditional advice often teaches women to be flexible, accommodating, and avoid "scaring men away" with needs. For AuDHD women, clear boundaries are essential for nervous system regulation.

You're Not Broken—The Advice Is

If traditional dating advice has left you feeling like you're doing everything wrong, I want you to hear this:

You're not too picky. You're not too intense. You're not too much or not enough.

You've been trying to follow rules that were never designed for your brain, your nervous system, or your needs.

The solution isn't to mask harder or force yourself into neurotypical dating scripts.

The solution is to understand how your AuDHD traits show up in dating—and build a strategy that actually works with your nervous system, not against it.

Ready to stop following advice that wasn't made for you?

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